It all started mid-week with a call from a close friend. I realized our relationship was changing and well, this was hard. I didn't want to see it change, yet there was nothing I could do but leave it in God's hands.
I'm not gonna lie, this really threw me for a loop, I knew I was to have a peace about it, God even spoke to me that night, reminding me,
"I'm walking by your side."
Yet my mind still wandered and began to have doubts... "What does this mean for me now? What am I going to do?" I thought. "Could I have done something? Did I do something wrong?"
Trying to put these thought behind me, I continued on with my week, crying every other night (it doesn't help that I'm pms-ing. Haha. Sorry if that was TMI.)
Yesterday, a kind friend of mine cut my hair- which I so desparately needed. I told her to cut all the dead ends off, thinking to myself, "about four inches." After she finished, I looked in the mirror, admiring the layers she had given my hair. After admiring one layer (I particularly liked the length of) I realized- it wasn't a layer. This was where my hair stopped.
Alright, maybe for some of you this doesn't seem like a big deal, but for me, this was huge.
I've had (really) long hair for the past few years and I have LOVED it and gotten a lot of compliments for it.
And now, it was gone.
I thanked my friend and said goodbye. Walking into my room, looking in my mirror- not even recognizing myself anymore, I almost began to cry. (Have you gotten the hint that I'm emotional, yet?)
My hair was gone.
It was then that I realized how much of my identity was wrapped up in my hair.
I felt as if I didn't know what I was doing and where my life was going, a dear friendship was changing and now I no longer had my long hair. (okay, yes I do realize I am being a bit dramatic here).
I changed my outfit, hoping that would help. Then I was uncomfortable about how I looked and about my weight- another realization of what I had made my identity.
Grabbing my camera, thinking, yet again, that this would help me and make me feel more comfortable(you'd think I would have learned by now...) I realized that my camera and photography had been wrapped up into who I thought I was.
Note- I am realizing that all these things- friendships, appearances, hobbies, do contribute to what makes us, well... us. So none of these things are wrong.
What I am saying is that I had taken all these things to the extreme, wrapping my entire identity in them, to the point that when they slowly began being taken away, I thought I was losing who I was and I felt lost. Confused. Scared. Insecure.
Crying, (yes, again) that night, I asked God,
"Who am I?"
His loving voice responded,
"You are BEAUTIFUL.
You are LOVED.
You are DESIRED.
You are WANTED.
You are FREE.
You are MINE."
When all that, I once thought made me who I was, slowly begins to be stripped away, I see that one thing remains:
Jesus.
As cliche as this all may sound, everything else is pale in comparison.
Learning who I truly am,
Brittaney :)
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