Insecurity

This last week has been one of... well, insecurity.

It all started mid-week with a call from a close friend. I realized our relationship was changing and well, this was hard. I didn't want to see it change, yet there was nothing I could do but leave it in God's hands.

I'm not gonna lie, this really threw me for a loop, I knew I was to have a peace about it, God even spoke to me that night, reminding me,

"I'm walking by your side."

Yet my mind still wandered and began to have doubts... "What does this mean for me now? What am I going to do?" I thought. "Could I have done something? Did I do something wrong?"

 

Trying to put these thought behind me, I continued on with my week, crying every other night (it doesn't help that I'm pms-ing. Haha. Sorry if that was TMI.)

 

 

Yesterday, a kind friend of mine cut my hair- which I so desparately needed. I told her to cut all the dead ends off, thinking to myself, "about four inches." After she finished, I looked in the mirror, admiring the layers she had given my hair. After admiring one layer (I particularly liked the length of) I realized- it wasn't a layer. This was where my hair stopped.

 

Alright, maybe for some of you this doesn't seem like a big deal, but for me, this was huge.

 

I've had (really) long hair for the past few years and I have LOVED it and gotten a lot of compliments for it.

 

And now, it was gone.

 

I thanked my friend and said goodbye. Walking into my room, looking in my mirror- not even recognizing myself anymore, I almost began to cry. (Have you gotten the hint that I'm emotional, yet?)

 

My hair was gone.

 

It was then that I realized how much of my identity was wrapped up in my hair.

 

I felt as if I didn't know what I was doing and where my life was going, a dear friendship was changing and now I no longer had my long hair. (okay, yes I do realize I am being a bit dramatic here).

 

I changed my outfit, hoping that would help. Then I was uncomfortable about how I looked and about my weight- another realization of what I had made my identity.

 

Grabbing my camera, thinking, yet again, that this would help me and make me feel more comfortable(you'd think I would have learned by now...) I realized that my camera and photography had been wrapped up into who I thought I was.

 

Note- I am realizing that all these things- friendships, appearances, hobbies, do contribute to what makes us, well... us. So none of these things are wrong.

 

What I am saying is that I had taken all these things to the extreme, wrapping my entire identity in them, to the point that when they slowly began being taken away, I thought I was losing who I was and I felt lost. Confused. Scared. Insecure.

 

Crying, (yes, again) that night, I asked God,

"Who am I?"

His loving voice responded,

"You are BEAUTIFUL.

You are LOVED.

You are DESIRED.

You are WANTED.

You are FREE.

You are MINE."

 



When all that, I once thought made me who I was, slowly begins to be stripped away, I see that one thing remains:

Jesus.

 

As cliche as this all may sound, everything else is pale in comparison.

 

Learning who I truly am,

 

Brittaney :)

 



 



No Longer Held

I've been meaning to write this down for awhile- a testimony of sorts. But "life" gets in the way, which is mostly just my own procrasination... haha, oh well. Now I've got a story to go with a story.

And it starts now.

A couple months ago, I went to bed one night feeling insecure. I don't remember exactly what was going through my mind at that moment, but I do remember feeling somewhat alone. Laying in bed under my covers, I cried,

"God, could you just hold me tonight?"

 

and in my heart I heard a still small voice reply,

"No."

 

What? I thought as I began to freak out just a little bit.

"What do you mean, 'No'? You held me all those times last fall when I was hurting and broken and so desparately needed someone to cling to.Why won't you hold me now?" I whined.

 

The answer he gave me blew my mind.

 

"I held you then, because you needed to be held. You were hurting, you were broken. But can't you see? You've grown! You can walk now. You no longer need to be held."

 

"Well, God, could you walk beside me then?"

 

I felt his peace that night, and I know he is by my side.

 

I know that I've grown tremendously in my life and relationships in this last year, yet I know I have in no way "arrived." I am not saying that I will never need to be held from this point forward, but I have realized that I am at a different place in my life now and God is challenging me to go to a deeper level.

 

It's like a good father with his child- when a child is young, the father cradles, holds, wipes every tear, kisses every owie, but when the child gets older, not as many owies are kissed, and the child is held only on rare occasions. Does this mean the father loves his child less? Of course not! What this does mean is that the child has grown and the father is lovingly leading the child to a deeper level of maturity and growth to do anything less than that would not be love!

 

This was a wonderful wake-up call to me and I cried at the realization that God had considered there to be growth in my life. What a loving father, to not let me stay in the same place all the time but rather, to call me to the next level- so that I may be everything he has created me to be!

 

Walking by my father's side,

 

Brittaney :)

A Stupid Decision

March 22, 2012

Today, I realized I made a stupid decision.

Well, actually, for the past couple of weeks I’ve been realizing this “obvious to everyone but me” fact.

You see, it all started about a year ago when I graduated with my Associates in Early Childhood Education.

After passing tests and an oral interview and getting to the top of my local school district’s hiring list, I packed my bags and headed off to Chico. No, not for school at the infamous university, but for a missions base where I would spend the next 3 months developing my relationship with Jesus and learning what it meant to truly follow him. While at this base, I received a phone call from the school district saying that there were interviews coming up and that they would be informing me of when and where they were. Knowing that I was not going to be in the district for awhile, I thanked them for the opportunity but told them that I had to decline. In doing so, I was taken off the list and simultaneously, lost a potential job and benefits that would come with it.

That was just the beginning…

After the three months in Chico, I spent another two in Fiji. I came back knowing that God wanted me to join the missions base in Chico as full-time volunteer staff.

While home, packing my things and getting ready to return to Chico, a friend of mine contacted me with a job offer in a daycare. Here, I would work full-time, have benefits, work with kids, get to clean (which I love to do- especially in a preschool- yeah, I know I’m weird), and have an opportunity to improve my Spanish (it was a bilingual school). Pretty sweet job if I do say so myself.

However, again I politely declined.

This was when I began to realize what a stupid decision I was making…

As if I couldn’t figure it out myself, while at a doctor’s appointment, getting my ear looked at (and finding out I need to have my left ear drum reconstructed) the doctor looked me straight in the eyes (after he found out I didn’t have insurance and my plan join the missions base) and said,  

            “Well, I suggest you get a JOB.”

And now, just this afternoon, while talking to another woman who is a preschool teacher and telling her my education background and such, she asked,

            “So why did you come to YWAM (the missions base)?”

Now, I had no choice but to face my stupid decision and explain them.

Which made me think.

A lot.

And I realized something.

I really did make a stupid decision, at least in most people’s eyes, in giving up job offers and the things that come with them, in order to work full-time in missions for no pay; relying on friends, family, and ultimately, God to provide what I need.

But I also realized something else- I don’t regret my seemingly “stupid” decision and I wouldn’t change it.

You see, I know that this is where God wants me. Without a shadow of a doubt.

And because of this, I have peace and I am content.

I have learned that God doesn’t promise easy, he doesn’t promise comfortable, and he for sure doesn’t promise approval from those around you.

However, he DOES promise fulfillment, he does promise provision, and he does promise to do much more than you could ever imagine or even dream of.

I’d say that’s a pretty good deal and someone worth living for.

While thinking about all that has transpired in the last couple of weeks to a year, the story of the little boy with his small lunch, consisting of a few pieces of bread and a couple of fish, comes to mind.

When he gave those up to Jesus, he was forfeiting easy, comfortable and approval.

I’m sure his friends and family would of thought him as nuts and crazy. I can almost hear his peers saying, “What?! Give up your food, food your parents have worked hard for? And for what? To feed a large crowd? Haha, nice thought, but completely idiotic and stupid.”

But guess what? Jesus took that meager meal and he fed over FIVE THOUSAND people with it, AND the little boy got to bring home the leftovers- TWELVE basketfuls of fish and bread.

I’d say the boy got fulfillment knowing that he was doing what he could, provision and, not only that but, abundance.

This little boy also experienced, first hand, that when you give up what you have and place it in Jesus’ hands- he will blow your mind and do SO much more than you could ever imagine.

I don’t know what Jesus is going to do with what I’ve placed in his hands- specifically, my degree and job opportunities.

However, I do know this:

It will be much more than I could have done myself.

And it will be worth it.

To my Inspiration...

Happy Mother’s day to the best mommy out there!

I would like to take the time and honor her and list the many reasons she is the best. :)

When I was younger and in VBS, we learned the verse from Psalms: “The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.” I remember thinking, “That describes mom.” And it was so true. My mom has an incredible amount of patience (trust me, she had to have had patience raising myself, not to mention 8 kids).

Standing true and firm in her convictions, my mom brought my older brother and I home and began to teach us when I was just in Kindergarten. We had our own school room and my mom made binders and school boxes that were color coded for each of us. Everything was organized to the T and we had a wonderful schedule (my mom LOVES creating schedules).

My mom is a go getter and she even tried teaching us things she didn’t know, including Piano. I remember sitting at our organ besides my mom, and learning to play together.

In the afternoon we would have music appreciation and “tea time.” My mom taught us about classical composers and we would practice our manners.

She is most definitely a teacher and I know this is where I get my own love of teaching from. My mom’s face lights up and she’s found her niche when she is lesson planning and deciding what she is going to share and teach.  My mom loves to impart knowledge!

I credit almost all of my knowledge of the Bible to my mother. Being our teacher, my mom incorporated Bible into our school day and we learned stories and verses and character lessons. Not only was I taught the Bible, but I saw it lived out and my mom included it in our daily lives. Whenever I was scared I can remember my mom quoting verses from the Bible such as, “He has not given me a spirit of fear but of love, power, and a sound mind.” To this day, verses such as those will come to mind automatically if I am going through a tough time. In addition to sharing verses when going through a rough time, every night before going to sleep, my mom and dad would come in and “bless” me with the Levitcal blessing- “May the Lord bless you and keep you, may his face shine upon you…” Whenever I hear this, endearing memories come flooding back.

As each birthday comes, my mom turns older with grace, never looking a day over 30. Alright, maybe I'm exaggerating just a little bit ;)

She has always made our house a HOME. We’ve lived in the same house for over 18 years and with each new member of the family, my mom has found a way to make it work.  Our house may not be the "model home" with the latest colors or interior decorative trends, but it has always been warm, welcoming, and a place to call home where there's always room for one more.

My mom loves my dad and after 27 years, they are still in love.

My mommy is a warrior and a fighter. Not only has she gone through having 8 children (4 of which were cesarean), when she was 14, she had a metal rod placed in her back and was in a body cast for 9 months. To this day, not everything is perfect with her back, yet she rarely complains about the pain.

Something that most impresses me about my mom is the amount of stubbornness (yes mom, I said it- Stubbornness- I do get it from you!) she has. Or maybe, it’s more persistence and hope. My brother Jonathan has autism and she has faithfully taught him, prayed for him, and LOVED him. It’s not easy being a mother to a child who has autism and there are many times I have said to myself and God, “God, I don’t think I could do that.”

My mother inspires me.

(In fact, she even inspired me to write this blog, as she wrote one about her own mother).

She has a love that knows no bounds. She has loved me and been there for me even when I’ve pushed her away. She has faithfully prayed for me and cried out to God for me.

I can always count on my mom to listen to me. I know I can pour out my heart to her and that she won’t tell a soul.

She rejoices with me in my accomplishments

and when I cry, she is often times crying along with me.

My mother has been more than that to me, she has been a friend.

 She has listened at all hours of the night, staying up sitting in the car drinking soda and eating ritz crackers with "squeeze cheese". We have been work out buddys

and we've even got nose peircings together! (but separately, together. Not as in pierced together. Felt the need to clarify. :p )

We've made cards, started our own business, organized, planned, and dreamed together.

My mother is strong, brave, caring, patient, organized, and loving. She is a warrior, fighter, teacher, homemaker, wife, and child of God.

When I say this, I do not say this lightly.

I am not who I am today without my mother.
If it were not for her, I would not be walking out in the calling and all that God has for me.

My mother is my inspiration.

And one day, I hope to be like her. :)

Love you mom!!!! <3

Learning to Love

May 3, 2012

As some of you may know, today was the National Day of Prayer.

Tonight there was a prayer gathering at one of the churches here in Chico. One of the YWAM staff members was asked to lead prayer for our nation at this gathering.

I was debating on whether or not I would go. What convinced me was taking pictures of my fellow staff member and of the prayer gathering itself.

Upon arriving at the church and entering the sanctuary, I realized something.

I didn’t really want to pray for my nation.

I realized that I didn’t have a love for my country or people as I’ve had for other countries and peoples. I didn’t really think that revival can come and that America can change.

I didn’t have a whole lot of hope.

A thought struck me,

If you were in another country with the opportunity to attend a prayer gathering for that nation, would you have debated on whether or not you should go?

Honestly, probably not. In fact, I would have prayed with fervor and with passion for revival to come to that nation.

Why?

Because God had called me to that country and given me a love and a passion for the people.

I have been called to this nation, America, for this season in my life.

America. This is my mission field.

Oh, what a faulty mindset I have had! 

I honestly wish I could say I was instantly changed and prayed with a new love, fervor, and hope for this country of mine, but that would not be entirely true.

God, give me a love and a passion for my own people and for my own country! Help me to love them as you do. Give me your eyes… Let me see beyond the masks; let me see what you see.

I must say that hearing my Brazilian roommate pray with passion and fervor for my country, for “this people”, MY people, really touched my heart.

I know this isn’t the “best looking” blog and I hope I haven’t offended you.

May God give us his heart for our people, HIS people.


Learning to Love,

Brittaney

Lost and Forgotten Dreams

April 11, 2012

It's amazing how, when you're where God wants you to be, your dreams come true. Including the ones you forgot or thought you no longer had. :)

Today, while working in the maintenance department, one of the guys on staff, Brian, asked me to help him feed the llamas, sheep and goats. I followed him to the barn and he introduced me a couple of the llamas and I got to pet a goat! Haha, no worries, petting a goat was not one of my dreams.

What was one of my dreams, however, was to be a farm girl.

You see, when I was younger, every Sunday I would look at the real estate section in the newspaper and find the houses that had at least a few acres of land (I wanted to live on at least ten acres). There were even a few I cut out and my mom and I would post them on our refrigerator, both dreaming to one day own land and have a farm.  

I wanted to have cows, horses, sheep, chickens, you name it. I thought it’d be so much fun.

As I got older, music became more of a passion of mine and a hobby and I laughed at the fact that I once wanted to be a farm girl. I lost that dream.

Or so I thought.

When feeding the animals today and later, cleaning up after them, I couldn’t help but smile and exclaim, “I feel like such a farm girl!” and I remembered what I once dreamed of.

About a week ago, another staff member, Patrick, came to me and a few other people and asked us to do worship for a local church’s (here in Chico) middle school group. I asked Patrick what he wanted me to do and he said, “Sing.”

 Note: I do not know how to harmonize and I have only ever sung when I either had a solo or had a guitar in hand.

“Sing?” I asked. I don’t just sing… that is way out of my comfort zone. (Yeah, I sing and play guitar, but don’t just sing, I know, I’m weird.) I went along anyways, hoping he didn’t expect much, but willing to try it out.

Last night we practiced and I realized how very awkward it is to sing without something in your hands!  

Tonight we led worship at the youth group and it went well. I can’t say I was the best I could’ve been, but I do believe that God was glorified regardless.

In this whole process, he showed me something… he reminded me that, the very thing I was nervous about and somewhat trying to get out of (singing without doing anything else) is the very thing I so desperately wanted to do at one point in my life.

God reminded me of when I was a junior in high school (about 17 years old) and I wanted to sing on the worship team and be a part of that whole aspect of it, leading people into worship by example and encouragement. Later, I forgot about that dream, thinking I wasn’t good enough. However, in spite of my unbelief and nervousness, God fulfilled that dream tonight.

While I do not foresee myself going into full-time farm work and I would be more comfortable with a guitar in hand next time I sing, it was really amazing to see and experience God fulfilling a couple of my dreams that I forgot or thought I no longer had.

It just goes to show that God knows us better than we know ourselves and that he desires to fulfill the dreams and desires of our hearts.

It also goes to show that when you’re where God wants you to be, things fall into place. I know God called me to be here in Chico, and today’s events were confirmation of that as I was given opportunities to fulfill dreams of mine; opportunities that I may not have had, had I not been here.

Can I just say, God is AMAZING?

Haha, cause he so totally is. :)

 

There is a story behind everything...

In life, things are usually more than what you see up front. Usually, there is a story behind everything. A story that has a history, and a history that holds meaning- a meaning that is important to somebody.

The name of my blog, "Until Completion" is no exception.

It is taken from Philippians 1:6

"Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

This verse first stood out to me when I was 15 years old and in India helping in an orphanage there.

Two of the children in the orphanage, SriKanth and Joy, whom we loved and had just begun to see grow (emotionally, physically, and spiritually), were taken back by their grandmothers for one reason or another. It was hard on everyone at the orphanage- kids, staff, and the staff's children were all affected.

I remember sitting at my desk, right after they had left, crying and writing in my journal. I looked down at the bottom page of my journal and the words of this verse stared up at me.

I underlined those words, "that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion..."

"God," I prayed.

"I'm believing in this for SriKanth and Joy. You began a good work in them, and I trust that you will continue it, until it is completed."

I still, 6 years later, pray this for those kids.

A few years later, as God began to work in me and show me areas that needed to change and things I needed to grow and mature in, I began to pray this verse for myself.

I know I have a long ways to go and many ways to grow, but I am confident in this:

God will continue the work he started in me.

Until Completion.