Insecurity

This last week has been one of... well, insecurity.

It all started mid-week with a call from a close friend. I realized our relationship was changing and well, this was hard. I didn't want to see it change, yet there was nothing I could do but leave it in God's hands.

I'm not gonna lie, this really threw me for a loop, I knew I was to have a peace about it, God even spoke to me that night, reminding me,

"I'm walking by your side."

Yet my mind still wandered and began to have doubts... "What does this mean for me now? What am I going to do?" I thought. "Could I have done something? Did I do something wrong?"

 

Trying to put these thought behind me, I continued on with my week, crying every other night (it doesn't help that I'm pms-ing. Haha. Sorry if that was TMI.)

 

 

Yesterday, a kind friend of mine cut my hair- which I so desparately needed. I told her to cut all the dead ends off, thinking to myself, "about four inches." After she finished, I looked in the mirror, admiring the layers she had given my hair. After admiring one layer (I particularly liked the length of) I realized- it wasn't a layer. This was where my hair stopped.

 

Alright, maybe for some of you this doesn't seem like a big deal, but for me, this was huge.

 

I've had (really) long hair for the past few years and I have LOVED it and gotten a lot of compliments for it.

 

And now, it was gone.

 

I thanked my friend and said goodbye. Walking into my room, looking in my mirror- not even recognizing myself anymore, I almost began to cry. (Have you gotten the hint that I'm emotional, yet?)

 

My hair was gone.

 

It was then that I realized how much of my identity was wrapped up in my hair.

 

I felt as if I didn't know what I was doing and where my life was going, a dear friendship was changing and now I no longer had my long hair. (okay, yes I do realize I am being a bit dramatic here).

 

I changed my outfit, hoping that would help. Then I was uncomfortable about how I looked and about my weight- another realization of what I had made my identity.

 

Grabbing my camera, thinking, yet again, that this would help me and make me feel more comfortable(you'd think I would have learned by now...) I realized that my camera and photography had been wrapped up into who I thought I was.

 

Note- I am realizing that all these things- friendships, appearances, hobbies, do contribute to what makes us, well... us. So none of these things are wrong.

 

What I am saying is that I had taken all these things to the extreme, wrapping my entire identity in them, to the point that when they slowly began being taken away, I thought I was losing who I was and I felt lost. Confused. Scared. Insecure.

 

Crying, (yes, again) that night, I asked God,

"Who am I?"

His loving voice responded,

"You are BEAUTIFUL.

You are LOVED.

You are DESIRED.

You are WANTED.

You are FREE.

You are MINE."

 



When all that, I once thought made me who I was, slowly begins to be stripped away, I see that one thing remains:

Jesus.

 

As cliche as this all may sound, everything else is pale in comparison.

 

Learning who I truly am,

 

Brittaney :)

 



 



No Longer Held

I've been meaning to write this down for awhile- a testimony of sorts. But "life" gets in the way, which is mostly just my own procrasination... haha, oh well. Now I've got a story to go with a story.

And it starts now.

A couple months ago, I went to bed one night feeling insecure. I don't remember exactly what was going through my mind at that moment, but I do remember feeling somewhat alone. Laying in bed under my covers, I cried,

"God, could you just hold me tonight?"

 

and in my heart I heard a still small voice reply,

"No."

 

What? I thought as I began to freak out just a little bit.

"What do you mean, 'No'? You held me all those times last fall when I was hurting and broken and so desparately needed someone to cling to.Why won't you hold me now?" I whined.

 

The answer he gave me blew my mind.

 

"I held you then, because you needed to be held. You were hurting, you were broken. But can't you see? You've grown! You can walk now. You no longer need to be held."

 

"Well, God, could you walk beside me then?"

 

I felt his peace that night, and I know he is by my side.

 

I know that I've grown tremendously in my life and relationships in this last year, yet I know I have in no way "arrived." I am not saying that I will never need to be held from this point forward, but I have realized that I am at a different place in my life now and God is challenging me to go to a deeper level.

 

It's like a good father with his child- when a child is young, the father cradles, holds, wipes every tear, kisses every owie, but when the child gets older, not as many owies are kissed, and the child is held only on rare occasions. Does this mean the father loves his child less? Of course not! What this does mean is that the child has grown and the father is lovingly leading the child to a deeper level of maturity and growth to do anything less than that would not be love!

 

This was a wonderful wake-up call to me and I cried at the realization that God had considered there to be growth in my life. What a loving father, to not let me stay in the same place all the time but rather, to call me to the next level- so that I may be everything he has created me to be!

 

Walking by my father's side,

 

Brittaney :)

A Stupid Decision

March 22, 2012

Today, I realized I made a stupid decision.

Well, actually, for the past couple of weeks I’ve been realizing this “obvious to everyone but me” fact.

You see, it all started about a year ago when I graduated with my Associates in Early Childhood Education.

After passing tests and an oral interview and getting to the top of my local school district’s hiring list, I packed my bags and headed off to Chico. No, not for school at the infamous university, but for a missions base where I would spend the next 3 months developing my relationship with Jesus and learning what it meant to truly follow him. While at this base, I received a phone call from the school district saying that there were interviews coming up and that they would be informing me of when and where they were. Knowing that I was not going to be in the district for awhile, I thanked them for the opportunity but told them that I had to decline. In doing so, I was taken off the list and simultaneously, lost a potential job and benefits that would come with it.

That was just the beginning…

After the three months in Chico, I spent another two in Fiji. I came back knowing that God wanted me to join the missions base in Chico as full-time volunteer staff.

While home, packing my things and getting ready to return to Chico, a friend of mine contacted me with a job offer in a daycare. Here, I would work full-time, have benefits, work with kids, get to clean (which I love to do- especially in a preschool- yeah, I know I’m weird), and have an opportunity to improve my Spanish (it was a bilingual school). Pretty sweet job if I do say so myself.

However, again I politely declined.

This was when I began to realize what a stupid decision I was making…

As if I couldn’t figure it out myself, while at a doctor’s appointment, getting my ear looked at (and finding out I need to have my left ear drum reconstructed) the doctor looked me straight in the eyes (after he found out I didn’t have insurance and my plan join the missions base) and said,  

            “Well, I suggest you get a JOB.”

And now, just this afternoon, while talking to another woman who is a preschool teacher and telling her my education background and such, she asked,

            “So why did you come to YWAM (the missions base)?”

Now, I had no choice but to face my stupid decision and explain them.

Which made me think.

A lot.

And I realized something.

I really did make a stupid decision, at least in most people’s eyes, in giving up job offers and the things that come with them, in order to work full-time in missions for no pay; relying on friends, family, and ultimately, God to provide what I need.

But I also realized something else- I don’t regret my seemingly “stupid” decision and I wouldn’t change it.

You see, I know that this is where God wants me. Without a shadow of a doubt.

And because of this, I have peace and I am content.

I have learned that God doesn’t promise easy, he doesn’t promise comfortable, and he for sure doesn’t promise approval from those around you.

However, he DOES promise fulfillment, he does promise provision, and he does promise to do much more than you could ever imagine or even dream of.

I’d say that’s a pretty good deal and someone worth living for.

While thinking about all that has transpired in the last couple of weeks to a year, the story of the little boy with his small lunch, consisting of a few pieces of bread and a couple of fish, comes to mind.

When he gave those up to Jesus, he was forfeiting easy, comfortable and approval.

I’m sure his friends and family would of thought him as nuts and crazy. I can almost hear his peers saying, “What?! Give up your food, food your parents have worked hard for? And for what? To feed a large crowd? Haha, nice thought, but completely idiotic and stupid.”

But guess what? Jesus took that meager meal and he fed over FIVE THOUSAND people with it, AND the little boy got to bring home the leftovers- TWELVE basketfuls of fish and bread.

I’d say the boy got fulfillment knowing that he was doing what he could, provision and, not only that but, abundance.

This little boy also experienced, first hand, that when you give up what you have and place it in Jesus’ hands- he will blow your mind and do SO much more than you could ever imagine.

I don’t know what Jesus is going to do with what I’ve placed in his hands- specifically, my degree and job opportunities.

However, I do know this:

It will be much more than I could have done myself.

And it will be worth it.