Lately I have felt to be on the verge of tears,
emotional yet at the same time emotionless or really, not been able to feel completely. Partly due to the fact
that I haven’t wanted to. Feeling
exerts energy and emotions… it takes a toll on you and who you are and if you
are not ready - firmly planted and rooted in Christ and who He calls you, and
more importantly, in who He is – the wave
knocks you down and you decide that it’s just better, safer, if you lie low.
Something I have discovered in my journey of learning
a second language and learning (or relearning) my own is that often times I
know how to use a word in context, but I don’t know what the actual word means.
Or maybe it’s that I haven’t taken the time to stop and think about what the
word actually means. For example, as I thought about this blog and what I
wanted to write, the word “dormant” came to mind, but I wanted to look it up to
ensure that it was the right word.
One of the definitions I found was that in
relationship to plants, it is when a plant is still alive but not growing.
My blog has been dormant.
I have felt dormant. Like a plant, I have felt like I’ve
been living but not growing.
I’ve learned lots of things, God’s spoken and been
faithful in many things, but the battle between that of my will and applying
this knowledge and what God has spoken has been a downright ugly one. A battle
that, thankfully, I have lost and that God’s love is winning.
My feelings have been dormant.
Oh, I can be very emotional, in the sense of letting
myself feel happy or sad at a surface level and going along with however I feel
in the moment. But the act of letting myself feel the deeper feelings - of
heartbreak, disappointment, dreams that I have yet to see materialize, the
wretchedness of my sin, the reality around me, the tragedies happening in far
off places- these feelings have been held back and put to sleep. But they’re
alive and they need to be expressed. They cannot remain dormant.
Tonight, I let myself feel.
And as I cried and told God what was on my heart and
in my mind, I felt a burden lift from my shoulders. I actually felt lighter. I
felt freer.
God has set my heart free.
